The Bubba Horror Picture Show
by Beanstalks
Summary: In this Sookie-tastic revision of Rocky Horror, fiancees Bill Compton and Sookie Stackhouse are stranded on the side of the road, forcing them to seek help from the owner of the mysterious Fangtasia night-castle. Can our couple outwit their host? COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: I do not own the songs, which I just changed around, nor do I own the_ Southern Vampire Mysteries_, _The Rocky Horror Picture Show_, nor their songs and/or characters.**

The wedding march played as Tara Thorton-Du Rone and her new husband, JB, left the Church in Bon Temps, followed by cheering family members.

They had just gotten married, this time for all their friends to see.

Speaking of friends, Sookie went up to her best friend and said, "Tara! Oh, congratulations!"

"Thank you, Sookie," Tara said warmly. "When are you and Vampire Bill gonna tie the knot?"

"I dunno, maybe some day."

"Well, here's hoping you get that special man some day."

And with that, she and JB leaped into JB's vehicle and drove off, tin cans banging against the unpaved road, seeing as they were tied to the bumper, along with a "Just Married" sign that was about to rip off and fly into nothingness.

"That's really great," Bill said when Sookie told him the news. "that is just great for your friends."

"They say they won't have kids," Sookie said. "But I know JB would want some."

It was night time, and Sookie was chatting with her vampire boyfriend, Bill. They were both very conservative and reserved. But they were also both outcasts, in a way, as Bill was a vampire and Sookie could read minds.

"Hey, Sookie, Bill said after a short pause.

"Yes, Bill?"

"I've got something to say."

"Uh huh?"

"I really love the way...your hips just sway!"

"Oh, oh Bill."

((Cue music!))

_Bill: "I would search for you in the sea"_

_Disembodied voices: "Sookie."_

_"Our future is together for us, I see."_

_"Sookie."_

_"So please, look at me."_

_"Sookie."_

_"I've one thing to say and that's 'Sookie, Cookie, Kiss me!'"_

_"I flew and glided for you to see."_

_"Sookie."_

_"Our love is for all to see."_

_"Sookie."_

_"Please, my love, look at me."_

_"Sookie."_

_"I've one thing to say and that's 'Sookie, Cookie, Kiss me!'"_

Bill sexily took out a diamond ring. It was small, but mighty expensive-looking.

_"Here's the ring to prove that I'm no joker. _

_There's three ways that love can grow._

_That's alive, dead, or won in a game of poker._

_Oh, S-O-O-K-I-E, just kiss me!"_

Sookie gasped. _"Oh, it's nicer than the one Tara Thorton got from will!"_

_Voiced: "Oh, Bill."_

_"Now we're engaged and I'm and thrilled!"_

_"Bill."_

_"Now you met my brother, Gran, Niall and gave us a chill!"_

_"Bill."_

_"I've one thing to say and that's_

_Bill, you fulfill!"_

_Sookie: "Oh, Bill!"_

_Bill: "I...see."_

_"What a thrill."_

_"Sookie..."_

_"For you..."_

_"I love you, too."_

_Together: "There's just one thing left to do,"_

_Bill: "...And that's go see the vamp who saw me."_

_"Sookie."_

_"Whose mission was to find Sookie."_

_"...Sookie?"_

_"Made me...date, seduce and make us meet."_

_"Sookie..."_

_"Now I just need to say_

_I see, Sookie, just kiss me!"_

_Bill: "Sookie, I see."_

_Sookie: "Oh Bill, what a thrill!"_

_"Sookie, I see."_

_Together: "Just...Please...kiss...me...."_

((Stop Music))

"It was a cold November evening," I, your humble narrator said. "Bill, a vampire from the Civil War era and Sookie, a telepathic waitress, a loving couple, were going out to Baton Rouge to meet the Queen of their great state of Louisiana, Sophie-Anne LeClerq. But one thing they didn't account for was a spike on the road, some broken beer bottles smashed on the road from a previous time, which ended up damaging three of Bill's car's wheels."

"What's going on," Sookie asked.

"The tires blew out, Sookie," Bill said as he got out. "Come on, let's go look for help."

"But Bill," Sookie objected. "What if there's a meanad out there?"

"Oh, don't me silly....Sookie. Oh, that would have been a great line in the song."

"What song?"  
"...Never mind."

Although there was no meanad, there was a hurricane. A minor one, but one that passed violently, crapping the car and battering the couple.

But they persevered, and finally stumbled upon a night club.

_Fangtasia._


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: For the benifit of those never to have watched **_**The Rocky Horror Picture Show**_**, they truly suffer for not seeing it. They should at least listen to the songs. More song than chapter, I'm afraid. Anyway, be prepared for a chapter that will chill you.**

_Fangtasia_, the club's brilliant sign said. This was no ordinary nightclub, however. For besides the fact that many fang-bangers passed Sookie and Bill by on their cliche black motorcycles, the nightclub was also a very beautiful, yet very dangerous-looking castle to boot.

The castle was beautiful and dangerous at the same time, and, as the two will learn, are synonyms.

"There's a light," Sookie said, "Over by the Frankenstein place."

"Let's go," Bill said, and held Sookie tight as they went up to the great doors of the night-castle.

They knocked, and at a preternatural speed, an Asian man with supposedly Yakuza-origin tattoos answered the door. His stern and worn expression started Sookie.

"Hello," Bill said. "Could we, perhaps, use your phone to call AAA?"

"You're wet," the man said.

"Yes," Sookie said sexily. "It's raining out."

"Come in, follow me."

The couple followed the man into the nightclub/castle, which was bizarre on the inside.

The floor was a rich mahogany with a beautiful red carpet with gold lining. The walls consisted of healthy-looking wood paneling with several animal head adorned. There was a sexy wooden staircase by the door, which also had carpeting, same as the floor. Lit candles serves an aesthetic purpose, as there was sufficiat, flourescent lighting.

"Bill," Sookie whimpered, and clung to Bill's chest. "I'm scared. What is this place, Bill?"

"Probably some weird hunting lodge for rich weirdos," Bill whispered to her. "Or some creepy sex dungeon."

"...What?"

"You're lucky to be here tonight," the man said, walking towards a casket-shaped grandfather clock.

"Lucky?"

"You're lucky," a female voice cried out, and a blond woman in a pastel maid's outfit slid sexily down the staircase's banister. "He's lucky, we're all lucky!"

She threw a feather-duster at the man, whom caught it at preternatural speed and dusted the clock. The woman gave out a laugh that chilled Sookie and even Bill to the bones, and the clock struck seven. The casket-clock opened up to reveal a skeleton.

((Cue Music: Music From _Rocky Horror's _"Time-Warp."))

_Man: "It's astounding, time is fleeting. Madness...takes its toll. But listen closely..."_

_Woman: "Not for very much longer!"_

_Man: "I've got to take control._

_I remember doing the time-warp. Drinking those moments when_

_The blackness would hit me..."_

The two mysterious persons held hands and ran into a new room.

_Man and Woman: "And the void would be calling!"_

They followed the man and woman into a brilliant bar scene, filled with formally-dressed fang-bangers with party hats and noise makers.

_All, but Sookie and Bill (Party): "Let's do the Time-Warp again! Let's do the Time-Warp again!"_

_Humble Narrator, showing a strange diagram involving the movement of feet and jumping: "It's just a jump to the left."_

_Party: "...And a step to the right!"_

_"But your hands on your hips."_

_"And bring your knees in tight!_

_But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insa-a-a-a-ane!_

_Let's do the Time-Warp again!_

_Let's do the Time-Warp again!"_

_Woman: "It's so dreamy. Oh, fantasy free me! So you can't see me. No, not at all. But in another dimension, with voyeuristic intention. Well secluded, I see all."_

_Man: "With a bit of a mind flip."_

_Woman: "*moaning* You're into the time slip, ah!"_

_Man: "And nothing can ever be the same."_

_Woman: "You're spaced out on sensation."_

_Man: "Like you're under sedation!"_

_Party: "Let's do the Time-Warp again! Let's do the Time-Warp again!"_

The man and woman danced towards a girl with blue eyes, looking like a soccer mom, and dressed in a sparkling tuxedo top with a sparkling top hat and glittering shorts. She sat sexily atop of a jukebox, oddly placed in the center on the room.

_Girl: "Well, I was walkin' down the street, just a-havin' a think when a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink. He shook-a me up, he took me by surprise. He had a pick-up truck and Devil's eyes! He stared at me, and I felt a change. Time meant nothing, never would again."_

_Party: "Let's do the Time-Warp again! Let's do the Time-Warp again!"_

_Narrator: "It's just a jump to the left!"_

_Party: "And a step to the right!"  
"Put your hands on your hips."_

_"You bring your knees in tight!"_

_"But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insa-a-a-a-ane!_

_Let's do the Time-Warp again! Let's do the Time-Warp again!"_

The girl squealed as she jumped off the jukebox, twirled towards the frighted fiancees -her tap shoes clacking loudly- and fell down against the stairs, then went back to the party.

_Party: "Let's do the Time-Warp again! Let's do the Time-Warp again"_

_Narrator: "It's just a jump to the left!"_

_Party: "And a step to the right!"  
"Put your hands on your hips."_

_"You bring your knees in tight!"_

_"But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insa-a-a-a-ane!_

_Let's do the Time-Warp again! Let's do the Time-Warp again!"_

((End Music))

"Bill, please," Sookie said to her fiancee as they started to walk out, incidentally getting closer to the nook in which an elevator, currently being used, was located.

"Bill," she said again. "Let's get out of here."

"Seriously, keep a grip on yourself, Sookie," Bill chided coldly.

"But...but it seems unhealthy here!"

"Nonsense. I'm here, nothing to worry about."

"Well, I want to go!"

"Well, we can't go until I get to a phone."

"Well, then ask the butler or someone."

"Just a moment, Janet; we don't want to ruin their festivities."

"This isn't a normal party, William Compton."

"This is probably just the new fad amongst these fang-bangers. Remember when the alien fad led to many, many movies and television shows?"

"Look, I've dealt with witches, werewolves, fairies and shape-shifters, and this is by far the creepiest!"

Bill just held her closely and kissed her wet head.

The whirring behind them stopped, and the elevator opened to reveal a tall, handsome man with billowing blond hair and icy blue eyes. Down from his neck was covered by a black cloak, creating a macabre feel to this man.

Also, you could see his high-heels. He was also wearing purple lipstick and eye-shadow.

Sookie let out a scream and dropped to the floor. Bill would have caught her, but he was still in shock at what stood before him.

"How d'you do, I," he said in a smooth voice. "See you've met my...faithful _bartender_. He's just a little brought down. See, when you knocked, he thought it would be a...party-ender."


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: These songs have been changed and made into parodies, making them public domain. Let's hope this chapter will thrill you!**

"Look, it's the owner," a fang-banger cheered. "It's Dr. Eric Tile!"

((Cue Music: "Sweet Transvestite"))

_Eric: "Don't get strung out by the way. Don't judge a book by it's cover._

_I'm not much of a man by the light of day,_

_But by night I'm one hell of a lover!"_

He threw off his cape sexily, revealing a black corset, short-shorts, black fishnet stalkings, and purple nail polish. Also, he had a pearl necklace.

Sookie sexily fainted again, but quickly got up.

_Eric: "You need no anesthesia, I'm just from Fangtasia._

_"Let me...get you a drink. Maybe, some kind of kink? You both look you're from heaven._

_Or if want something visual, that's not too abysmal,_

_we could watch Harry Potter seven."_

_Bill: "I'm glad we caught your call. What a nice little ball. But you see, we're both in a hurry. We'll just call a friend, and then our visit will end. We don't mean to be any worry."_

Eric gently nuzzled the necks of some desperate fang-bangers, accepted a drink of TruBlood, and threw the drink back in the face of the fan who gave it to him.

_Eric: "Well, you got caught with a flat, well, how 'bout that? Well, babies, don't you cry. by the light of the bar, I'll help you with your car. I'll get you a nice bi guy._

_You need no anesthesia, I'm just from Fangtasia._

_Why not stay for the night?_

_Or maybe *shows fangs*...a bite._

_Hit it! I'm just a sweet transvestite from the great Fangtasia!_

_You should come up to the lab, and see what's on the slab._

_But maybe the rain...isn't really to blame._

_So I'll remove the cause..."_

Eric then let out a chilling laughter that echoed through the large room.

"But not the symptoms!" he declared as he flew into the elevator and activated it. The elevator immediately took him away from them.

The mysterious Asian man and blond woman were now behind Sookie and Bill. Using their vampiric sped, they yanked off Bill and Sookie's over-clothes, then replaced them with pajamas.

Bill now wore blue- and white-striped pajamas with ducks adorned upon it, and Sookie was in a pink nightgown.

They fiancees started to wonder why Eric even had these in the first place.

"You're very lucky to be going to Eric's laboratory," the mysterious girl in sparkling clothes said. The woman had handed her Bill and Sookie's clothing. "Most people would give their _necks _for the privilege."

"Oh, is that where we're going?" Sookie asked.

"Yes."

The girl then casually dropped the clothes on the floor and entered the elevator as it came down, not empty. The man and woman followed her, nudging Sookie and Bill to come along.

They rode in the elevator, which was now cramped.

"So," Sookie asked nervously, trying to drum up some conversation. "Is Eric married?"

"Ha," the woman laughed meanly.

"The master never married," the man said, "nor so I think he ever will be."

The elevator made a noisy screech and stopped. The doors open and the man quickly ran over to Eric, now dressed in rubber gloves, a lab coat, and strange goggles of some sort.

"Pamela," Eric said. The blond vampire in pastels stepped out from behind Bill and Sookie."Amelia," Eric said, and the other girl did the same. "Go and assist Chow. _I _will entertain these two."

As Chow, Pamela and Amelia put on surgical masks and aprons, Eric started over to the fiancees, hand held out, ready for a shake.

"Hello," Bill said, but didn't shake the vampire's hand, as would most vampires would do. "I am Bill Compton, and this is my fiancee, Sookie Stackhouse."

"Hello," Sookie said warmly.

Eric responded by grabbing her hand and placing a gentle kiss on the back. "Achante."

Sookie couldn't help but giggle cutely.

By now, all the fang-bangers were now looking overhead. They were on platforms, easily reached by going up any of the several ramps connecting it to the main floor.

The lab itself had a certain calendar with Pamela, holding a whip, placed near a large, rectangular box that was draped in a thick cloth.

"Ladies and gentlemen," Eric said to the audience. The room was round, so his voice was clearly heard. "You are about to witness a breakthrough in science, as I violate the laws of nature, and create life itself!"

The fang-bangers, Pamela, Amelia and Chow clapped uproariously. And even Sookie couldn't help but clap eagerly.

Everyone became silent again as Eric spoke, "This was once a dying human. Saturated by drugs, he still had a spark of...life...in him. Knowing my scientific background and miracles in scientific breakthrough, his coroner had sent him to me in order to revive him. But I did much more: I had made some...minor adjustments, and made him the ultimate vampiric weapon for the mighty land of Fangtasia!"

Everyone applauded wildly, but Sookie was confused. They were in Louisianna. And wasn't Fangtasia the name of the night-castle?

Maybe the night-castle was named after a distant, foreign land?

Eric made a flamboyant motion, and Chow started to flip a few strange switched on the wall. Pamela and Amelia yanked the cloth off the box sexily, revealing a body, wrapped up like a mummy.

"Chow," Eric announced. "Activate the Magnetator!"

Chow was now on the other ride of the room in a second, and he was now pulling a crank furiously.

The lights flashed, the buttons on the wall started to glow an eerie green and beep. A strange metal hook descended upon the box, and the body lifted up. The body was standing upright in the box, held up by the magnet.

Pamela and Amelia walked over and slowly unwrapped the head, revealed to be a young, younger version of the King of Rock himself.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: In this chapter, Eric's new creating, Bubba, rebels slightly through song and dance, then Amelia's werewolf boyfriend rebels slightly through song and dance.**

"I give you all," Dr. Eric Tile explained, "Elvi- no, I should say, _Bubba Horror!_"

The young King himself, clearly surprised, was now holding on for dear life, holding on the hovering Magnetator and several feet over his tank. His wrappings were falling to the floor.

((Cue music: "Sword of Democles"))

_Bubba: "The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head. And I've got a feeling someone is gonna be cutting the thread. Oh, woe is me, my life is a--"_

The Magnetator descended, letting Bubba go gently on the floor. He immediately was greeted by the good Doctor's hug, but clearly Bubba wasn't going to have it. Hungry, he used his vampiric speed to run through the fang-bangers.

_Bubba: "Oh, can't you see, I need your blood. So, gimme gimme gimme!_

_I woke up this new moon with a start when I awoke from my tomb."_

_Fang-Bangers: "That ain't no crime!"_

_"And now I live with anticipation of doom."_

_"That ain't no crime!"_

_"My high is low, I'm dressed up for Eric to go...Wow, this blows."_

He started to feast upon some fang-bangers, who gladly obliged. One even kissed him, another offered their whole body. One proposed to be a chew toy of some sort.

Meanwhile, Dr. Eric Tile was trying to capture the super-vampire Bubba, but of course, his creation, being scientifically superior to any normal vampire, was running through the crowd.

_Fang-Bangers: "Sha-la-la-aaaah! That ain't no crime!"_

_Bubba: "Oh no no no."_

Bill and Sookie watched curiously as the fang-bangers sexily fell to the floor. They watched is amusement as Dr. Eric Tile attempted to catch his creation as Chow, Pamela and Amelia danced and did the can-can. And they laughed as Eric lunged at Bubba, who ran towards his tank and watched Eric wall of the railing.

Eric ran towards Bubba and gave him a hug.

"Oh, Bubba, that's no way to behave on your...birthday," Eric said deviously.

Bubba frowned.

"But since you are such an exceptional creation -not like the other failures- and such, I'm willing to forgive you."

Bubba smiled and clapped his hands.

"Wonderful creation," Pamela cooed.

"You truly outdid yourself, master," Chow said.

"He's okay," Amelia mused.

Eric turned to Amelia and slammed his open palm against Bubba's tank. "Okay? OKAY?!"

Eric grabbed Bubba and flew towards Sookie. "You. Don't you appreciate this thing of beauty?"

"Oh, I like my vampires civil and older," Sookie said warmly, and kissed a happy Bill's cheek.

"I didn't make him for you," Eric said with a scoff, and made a motion with his hands. Chow nodded to this, quickly left the room, and just as quickly came in with a large present of some sort.

Eric nodded to Bubba, who curiously opened the present, revealing dumbbells, barbells and Weepinbells, each individually wrapped in blood-red ribbons.

Very manly.

((Cue music: "Charles Atlas Song"))

_Eric: "A vampire runs carrying ninety-eight pounds will get sand in his eyes when kicked to the grounds._

_And so to the blood bank with determined fangs, waiting for food to get him in the mood...We'll make him crinkle, but not twinkle. We'll make others scream, we'll burn our enemies with deadly, deadly steam._

_He won't be a crier, oh no, but he'll be a strong vampire."_

Pamela had apparently left the room, for she was now coming in the room with a bright-red mechanical bull. But it wasn't a bull, but a mechanical lion or tiger.

_Eric: "He'll eat nutritious, high-protein, swallowing raw cats. He'll be good enough to pin others against the mats._

_All this hard work, but be will no I'm not a liar, when in just seven days, I make him a vampire."_

_He'll do fang-ups, drink blood, fake and real. I will make sure...he's able to feel._

_He won't be a crier, oh no, but he'll be a strong vampire."_

((End music))

Eric rode the mechanical cat. He then stopped, pushed it through a wall, and walked towards Bubba.

He stopped. Bubba covered his ears as a beeping filled the room.

From the hole in the wall came loud revving. A tall man with a pompadour, amazing sideburns, a motorbike, and typical greaser clothing rode in. He had a saxophone, a flesh wound on his forehead, and the devil's eyes.

"Tray," Amelia screeched happily, and ran over to him and gave him a swift hug.

((Cue music: "Hot Patootie - Bless My Soul"))

_Tray: "What ever happened to a full moon's light, when you'd change to Were and hunt all night? It don't seem the same since vampiric light came into my life, I thought I was divine._

_I used to go for a ride and hunt a pig, then I would do a small jig. A camper's saxophone blew and performed a Rock 'N' Roll show. I got with a girl, really had a good time._

_Hot Patootie, bless my soul! I really love that rock 'n roll!"_

Amelia started to piggy-back on Tray, and the still-living fang-bangers danced. Chow and Pamela even danced!

_All: "Hot patootie, bless my soul! I really love that rock 'n' roll! Hot patootie, bless my soul! I really love that rock 'n' roll! Hot patootie, bless my soul! I really love that rock 'n' roll!"_

Tray pulled out his saxophone and started to play. By now, everyone but a jealous Dr. Eric Tile were dancing and having fun. A fang-banger that was slowly dying on the floor commented that it was a "lovely party."

_Tray: "My head used to swim from the blood lust I smelled. My hands kind of fumbled with her white plastic belt. I smelled her chicken breath and that's when I'd melt. She'd whisper in my ear, tonight she was my hunt._

_Stop the show to put some hair oil on. Michael Jackson was singing his very last song. With your arms around your girl, you'd try to sing along. Hunted a razorback, that was a good time."_

_All: "Hot patootie, bless my soul! I really love that rock 'n' roll! Hot patootie, bless my soul! I really love that rock 'n' roll! Hot patootie, bless my soul! I really love that rock 'n' roll!"_

He played on his saxophone, causing the fang-bangers and Amelia to cheer wildly. He handed his saxophone over to Amelia, then gave her a smooch and rode his bike up the ramp and clear across the crowd of fang-bangers. Unfortunately, quite a few never managed to GTFO of his way.

And all the while, Bubba was dancing happily. Eric was clearly displeased, and threw him into the elevator.

_All: "Hot patootie, bless my soul! I really love that rock 'n' roll! Hot patootie, bless my soul! I really love that rock 'n' roll! Hot patootie, bless my soul! I really love that rock 'n' roll! Hot patootie, bless my soul! I really love that rock 'n' roll! Hot patootie, bless my soul! I really love that rock 'n' roll! Hot patootie, bless my soul! I really love that rock 'n' roll! Hot patootie, bless my soul! I really love that rock 'n' roll! Hot patootie, bless my soul! I really love that rock 'n' roll!"_

((End music))

Unfortunately, Eric, overcome in a jealous rage, chased Tray through the hole in the wall. Tray's screams filled the room, but Amelia, dropping the saxophone and covering her ears, screamed and screeched all the way until Eric re-entered the room with blood smeared all over his face.

After a bit of silence and hesitation, Eric simply said, "Wonderful vocals."

The fang-bangers chuckled as Chow and Pamela guided Bill and Sookie out. Before they left, they watched as many fang-bangers shook Dr. Eric Tile's hand and left.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: I hate writing author's notes.**

"There are those who say, life is an illusion," I, your noble narrator, said sexily. "That life...is just like a poorly-written fanfiction, or a movie with musicals. That nothing is really canon. Well, if this is so, then Bill and Sookie are quite safe. But as the fair Doctor retired to his bachelor tomb with a king-sized, heart-shaped bed with an ice tray on the side, near a minibar, the couple were soon filled with apprehension. You see, Eric's bartender and domestic, Chow and Pamela, respectively, spied on them through a series of hidden security cameras as Amelia guided the two into separate rooms to retire."

It was close to midnight, and something evil was a-lurking in the dark.

Sookie was woken by a knock on the door. The dark room was, well, dark, so Sookie could only see a feint outline, a shadow. The person felt cold as he sat atop Sookie.

"It's only me, Sookie," the being said in Bill's voice. Sookie reached to touch the figure's hair, feeling the sideburns she'd recognized as Bill's very own.

"Everything is going to be all right, Sookie."

The two kissed passionately, and then did the deed of love.

Sookie ran her hands through this person's hair, but found the hair to be smooth and without sideburns. What appeared to be Bill's hair and sideburns had fallen off and landed against Sookie's uncovered feet.

"You," Sookie said, positively aghast. "You beast! You monster!"

"I'm afraid so, Sookie," Eric said deviously. He used his real voice now.

"What have you done with Bill?"  
"Why nothing. Do you think I should?"

"You tricked me. I wouldn't have. Never, ever--"

Eric put his fingers over Sookie's soft lips. He then met her lips with his.

"Sookie," he chided. "I know you found it...quite pleasurable."

"Oh stop, sweetie. I mean, help! Bill-"

"Shhh. Do you want Bill to see you like this?"

He flipped her over and massaged her bare back.

"You beast," she cried again. "I was saving myself. For marriage and-"

"Come now. Do you honestly expect me to believe that? A delicious creature like you?"

Sookie hesitated for a while. "Promise you won't tell Bill?"

"Cross my heart and hope to...die."

Sookie was not convinced, but gave into temptation once more.

Meanwhile, as Bubba slept soundly in his tank, Chow watched him. He smiled, then grabbed one of the torches on the wall, kept for ambiance, and smiled sexily at Pamela, whom struggled not to laugh.

You see, vampires burn easily. Like polyester, or something.

"Huh?" Bubba awoke to Chow, holding the flame quite near his face. He let out a bellow and jumped out of his tank, then ran off. Chow tried to chase him, after putting the torch away, but was no match for the ultimate vampire.

"Idiot," Pamela said in annoyance. "Now we'll have to go look for him."

"I'll tell the...master," Chow grumbled with displeasure.

Bill was woken by a knock on the door. The dark room was, well, dark, so Bill could only see a feint outline, a shadow, even with his enhanced vampire vision. The person felt cold as he sat atop him.

"It's only me, it's Sookie," the being said in Sookie's feminine voice. Bill reached to touch the figure's hair, feeling the golden locks he recognized as Sookie's very own.

"Everything is going to be all right, William."

The two kissed passionately, and then did the deed of love.

Bill ran his hands through this person's hair. What appeared to be Sookie's long hair and sideburns had fallen off and landed against Bill's uncovered lap.

"You," Bill said, positively aghast. "You beast! You monster!"

"I'm afraid so, Bill," Eric said deviously. He used his real voice now.

"What have you done with Sookie?"  
"Why nothing. Do you think I should?"

"You tricked me. I wouldn't have. Never, ever--"

Eric put his fingers over Bill's soft lips.

"William," he chided. "I know you found it...quite pleasurable."

"But you had a....I mean, Sookie-"

"Shhh. Do you want Bill to see you like this?"

He flipped Bill over and played a game of strip Scrabble.

"You beast," Bill roared again. "I thought you were Sookie..."

"Come now. A delicious creature like you needs to spread the love...Like me."

Bill hesitated for a while. "Promise you won't tell Sookie?"

"Cross my heart and hope to...die."

Bill was not convinced, and knew Eric was already dead. But gave into temptation once more.

"Master," Show said. His voice had entered the room through the speaker on the wall.

"What is it?" Eric was very displeased indeed.

"Bubba has escaped. Pamela has sexily released the vampire dogs and deer."

"Coming," Eric said.

"Where's Bill?" Sookie asked herself. She was now in hysterics, crying her little eyes out. "Where's anybody?"

She clothes herself in her undergarments and walked off. She ended up in the laboratory, and, noticing that Chow and Pamela had left the security camera on, peered to her Bill, drinking a bottle of Royalty Blended, with Eric outstretched on the bed.

"Bill, my darling," Sookie sobbed.

She then heard moaning from Bubba's tank.

She lifted the cloth inside to find Bubba, covered in wounds of the flesh, which were healing very fast, but not fast enough.

As he got up and sat on the precipice of the tank's edge, which groaned under the weight.

Sookie gasped, and then ripped off a piece of her underskirt to address Bubba's wounds.

She said, "Oh, you poor thing. Let me help."

Bubba gave her a toothy grin, then kissed her hand.

"But unbeknown to the two," The amazingly perfect narrator said sexily, "Amelia and Pamela watched eagerly from their room, giggling cutely."

((Cue music: "Touch-a Touch-a Touch Me"))

_Sookie: "I was feeling done in, couldn't win. I've only ever kissed before."_

_Amelia: "Really?"_

_Pamela: "Yeah. Right."_

_Sookie: "I thought there's no use hanging...Doing fang-banging. It only leads to trouble...and fanfic idea-wrangling._

_Now all I want to know is how to go. I've tasted love and I want more."_

_Amelia and Pamela:"More, more more!"_

_"I'll put up no resistance. I plan to stay the distance. I've got an itch to scratch; I need assistance._

_Fang-a Bang-a Bang me. I want to be dirty. Chill me, thrill me, fulfill me, creature of the night."_

Sookie now had her arms around the creation's neck, and was met with a toothy grin. Amelia and Pamela made a similar embraced, eyes still glued to Sookie and Bubba.

_Sookie: "And if anything grows, *giggle* why impose? Thanks to fanfics, I can drop you down."_

_Amelia and Pamela: "Down, down, down!"_

_"And that's just one small fraction of all the smut. You need a friendly hand, and I'm a slut._

_Fang-a Bang-a Bang me. I want to be dirty. Chill me, thrill me, fulfill me, creature of the night."_

Amelia had now jumped atop of Pamela and started to tickle her. Pamela responded by sticking her blowdryer inside Amelia's shirt.

_Amelia: "Fang-a Bang-a Bang me."_

_Pamela: "I want to be dirty."_

_"Chill me, thrill me, fulfill me!"_

_"Creature of the night."_

_Sookie: "Fang-a Bang-a Bang me! I want to be dirty. Chill me, thrill me, *moans* fulfill me, creature of the night!"_

_Bubba: "Creature of the night."_

_Bill: "Creature of the night?"_

_Dr. Eric: "Creature of the night."_

_Pamela: "Creature of the night..."_

_Chow: "Creature of..the night."_

_Amelia: "Creature of the night!111!!!"__  
Bubba: "Creature of the night!"_

_Sookie: "Creature of the night, oh!"_

((End Music))

The elevator now arrived to its destination, the laboratory, and once the doors open. Chow fell out, face-first into the cold, hard floor. He was met with a whip of some sort, wielded by a furious Dr. Eric Tile, clad in some formal dress. Bill, leaving the confines of the elevator, stood silent.

"Mercy," Chow begged. "Master..."

"How did it happen," Eric asked, and slammed the whip into Chow's back. "Idiot. I understand you were supposed to watch him. Did you not even chain him with the silver?! Did you wear those protective gloves?!"

"I was only away for a minute...Master. Remember, as your creation, he is super-intelligent and strong."

Another crack of the whip. "See if you can find him. At once."

Chow got up darted out of the room. Bill and Eric walked towards the center of the room.

Suddenly, there was a sharp ring. Eric nodded and ran toward a strange T.V.-like object.

"Hey, Sophie," Bill said happily.

Queen Sophie-Anne LeClerq was on the screen, now in front of the door of Fangtasia. She was also in her wheelchair, as a recent hotel explosion caused her to lose her legs. But seeing as she is a vampire, she would grow them back soon.

In the meaning, her lower half was draped in a plaid blanket.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: Hey, we're almost done. Soon, the denouement will arise, and the story will be over. By then, I am sure you will have been chilled, thrilled, and most of all, fulfilled.**

"Sophie-Anne LeClerq," Bill said as Chow entered the room with a tray of what appeared to be cups of tea.

"You know this earthling?" Chow asked, but was met with a quick lash. "Er, person?"

"I most certainly do," Bill said proudly. "She happens to be my friend."

"I see," Eric grumbled. "So this wasn't simply a chance meeting. You came here with a purpose."

"I told you, my car got a flat before the storm came. That is the truth, Doctor."

Eric pushed him to the ground and pointed the whip at his face.

"I know what you told me," Eric said through clenched teeth. "But this Queen Sophie-Anne...Her name is not unknown to me."

"She happens to be the Queen of Louisiana."

"Now she's a scientist/runway model, working for the government, for humans."

"...What?"

"She is attached to the organization of investigation for what you call as U.F.O's! Isn't that right, William?"

"I don't know..."

"The intruder is sexily entering the building, master," Chow interrupted. He then turned the T.V. object off.

"He'll probably be," Eric stated, "in the stoner's pit."

"With all those recreational leaves."

"Shall we inquire of him in person?"

Eric swayed towards the switches on the wall, then moaned as he activated some controls, causing a low hum to enter the air.

"_Ach_!" Sophie-Anne found her wheelchair pulling her out of the room and up several ramps, gaining speed and reaching the higher floors. The chair guided her into Amelia and Pamela's room, and the three giggled playfully before Sophie-Anne left. She soon met the others in the laboratory, stopping in place, right before Dr. Eric Tile.

"Eric Tile," she grumbled. "We meet at last."

"Queen Sophie," Bill stated proudly, then bowed to his Queen, whom returned him with a bow of her own head.

"William Compton. It is nice to see you here, but why?"

She had a cute French accent.

"Don't play games, Queenie," Eric said bluntly. You know perfectly well what Bill Compton is doing here. Was it part of some diabolical plan? He and his female pose as two stranded lovers, then have them search the area?"

Everyone stood silent, staring at Eric.

He continued. "Unfortunately, you have failed. All of you."

"I assure you," Sophie-Anne responded calmly, "that I had not sent here. I arrived to find Tray Dawson."

"Tray?" Bill looked up sharply. "I've seen him-"

"What do you know of Tray, Queen Sophie," Eric interrupted, then cracked his whip against the floor.

"I know plenty, good sir. You see, Tray, according to this fanfiction, happens to be my great-great-great-great-or-so-nephew."

Eric gasped, then fiddled with the controls. This caused Sophie-Anne's wheelchair's wheels to wiggle, signifying the magnetic hold was lifted.

A shocked feminine gasp echoed in the room, and they all headed towards the tank and lifted the sheet to reveal Bubba and Sookie.

"Sookie!" The Queen exclaimed.

"Sophie-Anne?"

"Sookie!" Bill shouted.

"Bill!"

"Bubba," Eric said, and Bubba sharply turned towards him.

"Sookie!" The Queen exclaimed.

"Sophie-Anne?"

"Sookie!" Bill shouted.

"Bill!"

"Bubba," Eric said, and Bubba sharply turned towards him.

"Sookie!" The Queen exclaimed.

"Sophie-Anne?"

"Sookie!" Bill shouted.

"Bill!"

"Bubba," Eric said, and Bubba sharply turned towards him.

"Listen," Eric said sternly. "I made you, Bubba, and I can _break_ you just as easily. You may the powerful, but I am much older."

But before Eric could carry out his threat, the room echoed with a loud bang. Out from Tray's hole in the wall came Pamela, dressed in her domestic attire, holding out a gong.

"Master," she declared with a wry smile. "Dinner is prepared!"

"Excellent," Eric said through clenched teeth. "Under the circumstances, formal dress it to be optional."

Eric's high heels clicked against the floor as he left the room.


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note: We're reaching the end game, people. In this chapter, we find out about Eric's mission. Prepare for bad puns.**

"Food has always been important to life's rituals," I, the humble narrator, said. "The breaking of bread, last meals, and now...this meal."

The characters were now seated around a table in the dining room. Bill and Sookie on one side, Amelia and Bubba on the other, and Sophie-Anne and Dr. Eric Tile at either end.

"However, with this meal, there was very little _bonhomie_."

Pamela and Chow swung the doors open and brought a cart with wheels, a silver tray on top, gleaming in the room's oddly macabre dim lights.

They stopped the cart, and Chow dug out a turkey from the tray, then placed it on Eric's plate. Pamela also went to the tray and pulled out a turkey carver, then handed it to her master.

Eric stood up and carved the turkey. No sound, not even breathing, was heard, other than the whir of the carver.

Pamela started to serve red wine to the humans, and Royalty Blended to the vampires. Bubba got some cat blood, and reached out to have a sip from his glass. But Eric pointed the whirring carver at him, and Bubba retracted his hand.

Chow set up some napkins and oh-so accidentally knocked over Sophie-Anne's glass.

Eric held up a glass. "A toast..."

Everyone raised their glasses, albeit awkwardly. Pretty much everyone was confused.

"To absent friends," Eric concluded.

"To absent friends," everyone else responded before silently drinking.

With vampiric speed, Pamela and Chow placed tin party hats on every head, including a smiling Eric Tile.

"Bubba," Eric said with a wry grin on his face.

Everyone turned to Eric nervously, all wondering what the vampire would do next. What evil he would concoct.

"Happy birthday to you," he sang.

Everyone joined in, and Bubba responded with a huge grin.

((Cue the "Happy Birthday" melody.))

_Everyone but Bubba: "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Bubba. Happy birthday..."_

"Enough," Eric declared, and set down.

_"...To you,"_Sookie mumbled blankly.

_((_End song))

While everyone else pawed at their food, Bubba bit in. The food has a lot of blood, and though it was not cat blood -he could tell- it was still pretty good.

Amelia gave him a deadly glare, and handed him a fork to use.

"We came here to discuss Tray," Sophie-Anne said.

Amelia dropped her fork and knife. "Tray?!"

The turkey carver whirred, and Amelia turned to see a threatening glance from Eric, and two wicked smirks on Pamela and Chow's faces.

"That old ham," Eric said to Sophie-Anne, and turned off the carver. "It's a rather tender subject. I wonder what kind of group he's in with? A delicious thought."

Everyone but Bubba and Eric dropped their utensils and gave a horrified look to their plates. Bubba kept sucking the blood out of his food, now hoisted with a fork.

Amelia stood up.

"Excuse me," she said quietly, and ran off crying and screeching.

At least she had the decency to shut the door.

"I knew Tray was in a bad crowd," Sophie-Anne said, panning to the screen. "But it's worse than I imagined."

"Murderer," Sophie-Anne said to Eric.

"Go on, Sophie-Anne," Eric said angrily. "Or should I say, _Tara Gilesbie_?"

"Just what exactly are you saying about my queen?" Bill jumped up.

"It's all right," Sophie roared, then straightened up and spoke calmly. "It's all right, _tres bien_."

((Cue "Eddie's Teddy"))

_Sophie: "From the day he was born, he was trouble. he had wolf forms...in his mother's side - 'Cuz his dad was a shifter, but that's beside the point - She tried in vain."_

_Bubba: *Picks his nose*_

_Narrator, which is me: "But he caused her nothing but shame."_

_Sophie: "He left home the day she died._

_From the day she was gone, all he wanted was a witch and some porn. And a motorbike._

_Bittin' all the geeks."_

_Narrator: "He was in with some freaks!"_

_Sophie: "Taking everyone for a ride."_

_Everyone, sans Bubba and Eric: "When Tray said you'd rue the day, you knew he was a no-good kid. But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife..."_

_Eric: "He's a shifter."_

_Sookie: "Not a grifter."_

_Sophie: "So I said...what the? What is this line? Music?"_

_Amelia: "Everybody shoved him. I very nearly loved him. I said, 'HEY! Listen to me. Stay sane inside, in sanity.' But he locked the door and threw away the key!"_

_Sophie: But he must have been drawn into something. Making me warn, as this e-mail reads..."_

_Everyone but Bubba: "What's it say, what's it say?"_

_Bubba: *picks his nose*_

Sophie took the note out.

_Tray's disembodied voice: "I'm out of my firs. Oh hurry, it'll only get wurse. They mustn't cari out they're evul deed!_

_-Love, Tray_

_PS: WHAAAAAA!"_

_Everybody but Bubba and Eric: "When Tray said you'd rue the day, you knew he was a no-good kid. But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife..."_

_Eric: "He's a shifter."_

_Sookie: "Not a grifter."_

_Sophie: "So I said."_

_Everybody but Bubba and Eric: "When Tray said you'd rue the day, you knew he was a no-good kid. But when he threatened your life with a switch-blade knife..."_

_Eric: "He's a shifter."_

_Sookie: "Not a grifter."_

_Sophie takes out a headless teddy bear._

_Eric: "What a wild heart."_

_((WOAH WOAH WOAH))_

_Sookie: "He's really a werewolf, actually. Not a shifter."_

_((HEY HEY HEY))_

_Sophie: "So...I...said..."_

_((WERE....WOLF....))_

((End song))

Eric grabbed the table-cloth and yanked it, not only taking down all the dishes, blood food and Tray's letter, but revealing something inside.

Behind the glass, in the middle of the table, were the ripped remains of Tray, many parts of him missing. Several pieces of food were around him, probably to mask the smell of decay, blood and booze.

Sookie let out a gut-wrenching scream and ran into Bubba's arms.

"Bubba," Eric said sternly, and pulled off his tin hat. He then pulled the two apart and delivered a sharp slap to Sookie's left cheek.

((Cue "Planet Schmanet Janet," or whatever you feel the song should be called.))

_Eric chases Sookie out of the room, and bill grabs Sophie-Anne's chair. They follow, with Sophie-Anne feeling she should point the way._

_Chow and Pamela laugh uproariously._

"Shut up!" Chow said.

_Eric: "I slept with your soon-to-be spouse. You better smarten up, Sookie Stackhouse. Your kind act is not a fact. You better smarten up, Sookie Stackhouse."_

Sookie kicked him in his special area, then ran up some flights of stairs. Eric laughed before he quickly followed. Sophie and Bill were in hot pursuit.

_Eric: "I gave you what you need, you little weed. You're as sensual as a pencil, gave you a quick sting. When we made it, did you hear a bell ring?_

_Now you're trapped, like a little better smarten up, Sookie Stackhouse. "_

They had ran into the lab. Sookie ran to Bubba's tank before realizing she was cornered. Sophie and Bill, too, realized this ad they all converged.

_Eric: "The transducer will seduce ya."_

Eric pulled a switch on a wall, and Sookie gasped.

"My feet," Sookie moaned. "I can't move my feet."

"_Mon dieu_," Sophie gasped. "I can't move my wheels."

"It's as if we're glued to the spot," Bill said, then made some archaic, 1950's like gesture by swinging his fist.

"You are," Eric said deviously. So quake with fear you tiny fools."

"Oh, we're trapped," Sookie sobbed.

_Eric: "It's something you're reduced to. A mental mind freak can be nice."_

"Fuck!' Sookie whined. "I mean _fudge._"

The loud clicks of Pamela's shoes filled the air as she, Chow, Bubba and Amelia entered the room.

"Your transducer, Eric," Sophie-Anne said in an oddly calm voice. "I suppose it's some strange device that increases a person's lust in order to literally weigh them down somehow?"

"What?" Bill asked, putting his shoulder on Sophie-Anne's arm. "And that means...?"

"It's something top vampire kings, queens and scientists have been working on for more than four-hundred years. But it seems that our _friend _here managed to build this. It's a device that magnifies a person's lust to block out clear and rational thought, allowing one to write terrible stories. And who knows, even write the worst fanfictions in existence."

Sookie put her arm on Sophie-Anne's other shoulder. "You mean he's going to turn us all into the next Tara Gilesbie's? What a louse!"

Eric breathed down her neck, and closed up on her.

_Eric: "Louse, schmouce, Stackhouse! You better smarten up, Sookie Stackhouse. You better smarten up, build your veins up."_

_The Awesome Narrator: "And then she cried out."_

_Sookie: "STOOOOOOOOOP!"_

She pushed Eric away, and he backed to the wall with the switches. Pamela and Chow ran to his side.

_Eric: "Don't be such an itch. I will be the one to pitch. Geddit?"_

_Bill: *shakes his fists* "You're a dick, but you better not even smile, Eric Tile!"_

Bill tried to punch, but Eric nodded. Pam smiled and pulled down a switch.

Bill had turned to stone, frozen in position. His clothes dropped to the floor.

_Sophie-Anne: "You're a dick, but you better not even smile, Eric Tile!"_

Eric nodded. Pam smiled and pulled down a switch.

Sophie-Anne had turned to stone, frozen in position. Her clothes and chair had turned to stone instead of dropping.

_Sookie: *hands on either side of her head* "You're a dick!"_

Eric nodded. Pam smiled and pulled down a switch.

Sookie had turned to stone, frozen in position. Her clothes dropped to the floor.

((End song))

"Oh. Em. Gee." Eric turned to see Amelia, her pajamas covering her form, walk down.

"Amelia," Eric said neutrally.

"I can't stand anymore of this. First, you spurn me for Tray. Then _you _throw _him _over like an old overcoat for Bubba. You suck the blood right out of people."

Eric just stared at her. His expression was unfathomable.

"I loved you," Amelia said, raising her voice. "Did you hear me? I _loved _you! And what did it get me? Yeah, I'll tell you: a big nothing. A vampire that just sucks and sucks people for all their love and emotion. You suck, Eric Tile, you suck!"

Eric just stared at her, _into_ her.

Amelia straightened her shirt and put her fists on her hips. "Yeah, and you gotta choose between me and Bubba: Bubba the bubble-head."

Eric smiled quickly, but then frowned. He turned to Pam and nodded. Pam responded by pulling a switch, a wicked smile on her face.

"It's not easy having a good time," Eric said.

He looked at Bubba, and nodded. Bubba turned to stone.

"Even smiling makes my face ache."

Eric bit his finger until blood spilled, pressed his body against a wall, then pulled at his hair.

"And my children turn on me. Bubba's behaving just like Tray did. Do you think I made a mistake, splitting his brain between the two of them?"

Pamela let out a scream and walked to Eric, Chow in tow.

"Aaagh! I grow weary of this world!" she shouted. "When shall we return to Transylvania, huh?"

"Pamela," Eric said through clenched teeth. "I am indeed grateful do you and your _brother_, Chow. You have both served me well. Loyalty such as yours will not go _unpunished_. You'll find that when the mood takes me, I can be quite a _sucker_."

"I ask for nothing, _master_."

"And that is what you shall get in abundance."

Eric walked over to the elevator, high-heels clicking. "Come, we are ready for the floor show."

"Are you following any of this, my dear sister?" Chow asked.

"I think Eric was going to turn the Earthlings into bad fanfiction writers or something."

The two walked over to the statues and touched elbows. Then they walked out of the room, hand-in hand.


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Note: I like making Author's Notes.**

The showroom was quite possibly the most exquisite room you would ever see: Several chairs to the left and right - separating the left and right side wtih velvet ropes and an aisle. There was a large, majestic stage, complete with a sheen and bright lights encompassing it. A red carpet led from the entrance to the stage. The carpet stopped in front of a small case of stairs, which was (reseumably) used for people to get on and off the stage. Beautiful red curtains blocked the world from backstage. There was a catwalk above the stage, with what looked like an intern walking about. But just ignore that, will you?

Eric Tile was backstage, putting the finishing touches on our hero, heroine, his creation and his groupie. He shrugged at our rival scientist - not much he could do with her.

The music started to bellow. The curtains opened to reveal -in order from left to right, viewer-wise- Amelia, Bubba, Bill and Sookie. They were wearing outfits similar to Eric's original, but more colorful.

((Cue music, "Rose Tint My World"))

Eric Tile flipped a switch; Amelia reverted from her statued form to her living self.

_Amelia: "It was great when it all began: I was a regular Eric fan. But it was over when he had the plan to start a-workin' on a psycho man. Now the only thing that gives me hope is my love a certain dope. Revamp my world and make me safe from sunlight and stakes."_

The switched was flipped. This time Bubba reverted to his undead form.

_Bubba: "I was just thirty or so years old. Not a hound dog, I was told. But somebody should be told, my bloodlust hasn't been controlled. Now the only thing I've come to know is my god-given talent to bone. Revamp my world and keep me safe from sunlight and stakes."_

Switch flip, Bill's a vamp.

_Bill: "It's beyond me. Heeelp me, Carrie. I'll be good, you'll see. Keep these dreams away. What's this? Let's see - I feel sexy. What's come over me? Whoo, here it comes again!"_

Let there be switches, let there be Sookie!

_Sookie "Oh-ho, I feel released. Bad times deceased. My fanservice has increased. Our own T.V. show is heeeere! The actors have been disbanded; my role hasn't been expanded! It's a gas that Eric's landed. His lust is so sincere..."_

((End song, cue fanfare.))

The four drove to opposite sides of the stage. A large television rose to the stage as fog filled the bottom. Whirs and gears moving were heard, and Eric - in a costume much like his original, with a feather boa and feathers around his torso and in his afro - walked to the top of the television.

((End fanfare))

((Cue music, "Don't Dream It, Be It"))

_Eric: "Whatever happened to Bela Lugosi? That lithping, cape-draped frame? Was he wrapped around his body, how it made me feel shoddy. Because I wanted to be...just the same. Give yourself over to real, violent vampires._

_Swim pools of blood for violent murder._

_Erotic nightmares beyond any measure._

_And an STD to bother you forever._

_Can't you just see it? Woah-ho-ho!"_

Eric didn't hesitate, he jumped off the T.V. and into the fog. A mighty splash was heard.

The fog cleared up, revealing Eric, in a pool full of blood, supported by a live preserver.

_Eric: "Don't dream it, be it. Don't dream it, be it. Don't dream it, be it."_

Sookie, Bubba, Bill and Amelia joined him in his mantra. They joined him in the pool. They joined him in song and body.

_All: "Don't dream it, be it. Don't dream it, be it. Don't dream it, be it. Don't dream, be it. Don't dream it, be it. Don't dream it, be it. Don't dream it, be it."_

The switch flipped by itself, apparently, causing Sophie-Anne to return to her undead form.

She gasped. "I've got to get _out _of this trap," she said as the others continued to sing. "Before this decadence saps our will. I've got to be strong and try to hang on. Or my mind may well _snap_. And my life will be lived for the _thrills_." _Bill: "It's beyond me-" Amelia kissed him- "Help me, Carrie!" Sookie: "God bless Bram Stoker." _((End song))

There was an odd silence. Those in the pool were below the surface of the water. The calm was broken when Eric Tile, on the shoulders of Bubba, surfaced with full force! ((Cue "Wild And Untamed Thing")) _Eric: "My my my, my my my. My my my my, my! I'm a wild and an untamed demon. I'm the one to send you screamin'. Spill the blood and my mind goes ping! So let the party in the South rock on! Gonna drain it 'till the blood is gone. Revamp my world and keep me safe from sunlight and stakes." _The other four sprung out of the water. They joined Eric on stage and joined together to do a can-can. Sophie-Anne was kicking her newly-formed legs and driving wildly behind them. _All: "We're a wild and an untamed demon. We're the one to send you screamin'. Spill the blood and my mind goes ping! So let the party in the South rock on! Gonna drain it 'till the blood is gone. Revamp my world and keep me safe from sunlight and stakes. We're a wild and an untamed demon. We're the one to send you screamin'. Spill the blood and my mind goes ping! So let the party in the South rock on! Gonna drain it 'till the blood is gone. Revamp my world and keep me safe from sunlight and stakes._  
_We're a wild and an untamed demon. We're the one to send you screamin'. Spill the blood and my mind goes ping! So let the party in the South rock on! Gonna drain it 'till the blood is gone. Revamp my world and keep me safe from sunlight and stakes." _The doors burst open to reveal Chow and Pamela - clad in strange suits a spaceman would wear, Chow holding a strange pistol of some sort. _Chow: "Eric Tile, it's all over! Your mission is a failure, people prefer Quinn's team! I'm Sookie's new love interest, what a strange twist. We return to Transylvania - prepare the transer beam!" _((End music))

Everyone gasped. Sookie hid behind Bill. Amelia and Bubba froze. Eric's jaw dropped. "Wait!" Eric declared. His feather boa, which had sunk to the bottom of the pool, suddenly sprung up and Eric caught it. He threw it offstage - a sky-blue silk scarf thrown back to him. "Nice," Pam said in a sarcastic tone. Eric whispered something to Bubba and Amelia. Bubba went to a box with a series of buttons while Amelie walked over to the spotlights. ((Cue music, "I'm Going Home."))

_Eric: "On the day I went away..." Chorus: "Goodbye." Eric: "Was all I had to say." Chorus: "Now I..." Eric: "I want to feed again and stay." Chorus: "Oh my..." Eric: "Show you neck, and that will mean I may." _A spotlight shone on him. The curtains were now covered with images of pure white clouds. _Eric: "Cause I've seen good eatin'. Through the fangs, Joss Whedon. And I realize I'm going home." Chorus: "I'm going home." Eric: "Everywhere, it's been the same." Chorus: "Feeling." Eric: "Like a girl had me tamed." Chorus: "Wheeling." Eric: "Free to find a game." Chorus: "Dealing." Eric: "Screams of sorrow, screams of pain. Cause I've seen good eatin'. Through the fangs, Joss Whedon. And I realize I'm going home." Eric and Chorus: "I'm going home. I'm going home. I'm going home." _((End music)) Eric walked off the stage and towards Chow and Pam. He blew kisses towards the people who had appeared in the chairs. One man with an afro and a similar outfit as him was waving at him, while a man with long blond hair at the sides of his head was glowering. "Your tattoo's gone," Pamela remarked. "It washed off in the pool," Eric said. "Don't worry, in the next scene it'll be back to normal." "There won't be another scene for you," Chow said, aiming the weapon directly at Eric's head. "You see, when I said _we _would be were returning to Transylvania, I was talking about Pamela and myself. You will stay here; in spirit, anyway. Well, if vampires had spirits, ut that's beside the point." The room fell silent. Eric looked around and saw no one in the audience. Sophie-Anne stopped in her tracks. Sookie held Bill tightly. Bubba munched on a kitten. "NOOOOOOO!" Amelia screeched. Chow turned to her and fired his weapon. A beam of orange shot directly at Amelia's chest. She screamed as her skin started to bubble. And then she fell over and died. "It's a weapon of pure sunlight!" Sophie-Anne gasped. "Correct," Chow said. "Sunlight in concentrated form, so powerful it can destroy anything - living or dead." Eric ran to the stage, screaming. He started to climb the curtains in a futile effort to escape. "No, No!" he cried. "_No, No, No, No!_" Chow shot him. Eric let out a cry as he feel to the ground, followed suit by pieces of the curtain he ripped off. Bubba roared. He flew over to Eric and held him tight. "We must stop him," Pamela urged. "Any more scenes like that and people will ship the two." Chow fired at Bubba, but Bubba would not fall. Instead, Bubba started climbing the ladder on the side of the T.V. When he reached the top, he placed Eric's body at the top...and watched as it turned to dust. Chow continued to fire at Bubba. Bubba's skin was boiling, but when he saw his master turn to dust, he relented. Bubba fell into the pool of blood, his body sinking below the red surface. "I thought they would survive," Pamela said to Chow. "They survived in the books." "WELL, I NEVER SURVIVED!" Chow yelled. "I NEVER SURVIVE!" "You did right," Sophie-Anne said. Chow and Pamela turned and walked towards her. "You have seen what living on Earth has done to us," Chow said. "A proud race of alien vampires, turning into bad fanfiction writers weighed down and clouded by lust. Killing them had to be done." "It's okay with me," Sophie-Anne said. She held out her hand towards Chow, butremembered that vampires didn't shake. "Sorry about your nephew." "Don't worry, he wasn't actually my nephew." "Go. We will be starting the ship soon; you best leave the castle before we take off." Bill jumped to wheel Sophie-Anne out, followed by Sookie. Pamela turned to Chow. "Sweet Transsexual, land of night. The moon-drenched shores of Transylvania!" "It's just a jump to the left," Chow said with a smile. _And a step to the right! _"And by our lives," Pamela cackled. "We'll do the time-warp again!"

Sookie, Bill and Sophie-Anne were now in the court-yard. They watched as the entire castle rumbled and took off into the sky, leaving a beautiful rainbow and revealing the rising sun. They didn't care. The three had fell to the floor and pretended to swim. Dull smile on their faces. The vampires were burning, but they didn't care. "And crawling on the planet with ire," I, the super-spectacular-awesome narrator said, "some insects called the vampire. Lost in time, lost in space. And meaning." I left my office and turned off the light.

_Meaning..._


End file.
